Dear Edgar Allen’s Poo Diary

Please find my submission for your publication:

September 22nd, Thursday 2011

This was an all day classic love affair. Like a rom-com where we all know the inevitable end but strain our way through it anyway for the sake of others.

Morning approximately 7am I could tell yesterdays combo of Chilli and Houmous was going to produce something special but waking up a mere few minutes from house evacuation time did not leave ample time to give the poo the attention it so richly deserved.

The bus ride into work was mostly saturated with a foul concoction of noxious gases and i was glad to have a two seat radius from other riders.

Having arrived at work here was where the problem lied. Knowing what was bottled up inside and knowing that was only being held by a very tight clenching of the buttocks i had to weigh up whether to go straight into the morning sales meeting or risk a bollocking and go AWOL to blast napalm all over company porcelain. A sly comment from my boss about an un-ironed shirt decided everyone’s fate who planned to use that bathroom in the next 39-43 minutes.

I chose my favourite cubical of the three (furthest away from the door) and was glad to see the other 2 cubicles were also empty, thus avoiding the awkward game of battleshits with another colleague hoping not to ever see the face of the person who has just sunk your entire fleet with a noisy typhoon of dirty bombs.

Overall it was most satisfactory. It was a long wide diameter bad boy who was so big it was half up the u-bend, half in the bowl. It made me think this is what gay sex in reverse might feel like but without making me ever curious of trying.

ETA = 8:16 am

Score ratings are as follows.

Friction rating 1/10 (very smooth on exit)
Smell Factor 8/10 (It made me wish my anus was not attached to myself)
Wiping 2/10 (very clean evacuation and still not soft enough so cause schmearing)
Size 9/10 (Anaconda like and remained in one piece, no breakages)

Overall Score 7/10

Best regards

Dump Whittington