A gruelling account of the cruel circumstances that led me hither befit not a noble man. Not least because the leviathan that sits motionless amid the still moody water tells a story all of its own.

Absorbing every detail of the colossal mass, from the rich colour of the main body to the gelatinous mire which binds the many segments, I realise it will take more than rudimentary plumbing to dispatch this planetary unit.

It had been obvious at the time I had overindulged, ever more opulent had my quests become for an astral experience. So much so in fact that Pasquale, usually a savoured treat, had featured more than ever in the delirious heights of the messy deed.

From such a decadent display I should have expected no less and it was clear as I eyed the faecal orb that a pre-flush assault would be absolutely necessary. As I approached Pasquale’s greatest achievement (of which he would never know), I fancied myself a hero of mythology: Bellephron perhaps, bearing down on Chimera atop the wings of Pegasus. In place of his lead tipped spear I may have held a soiled toilet brush, but it was no less terrible a beast which i was to smite…

Finally it was gone – dashed like Pasquale’s dreams of comedic integrity. Swept through the plumbing to be deposited amongst an unimaginable quantity of slurry. Pile upon pile of human faeces would surely land upon it, until it became buried amongst and indistinguishable from the other squalid horrors that would now be its neighbours….

Fate has not been so kind to Joe Pasquale, who now sails the cruise ship circuit like a doomed phantom in a state of perpetual melancholy, coming ashore only to contribute a few un amusing anecdotes to one of Channel 4’s “100 greatest” broadcasts….