08:01am Home toilet

Plip, plop, plap. The little nuggets plunged into the water. Each tiny lump of dump sploshed a handful of cold grey soup against my clenched cheeks. It was as refreshing as a mountain spring.

The nugget appetiser was followed by a barrage of aerated cocktail-sausage coils, the diameter of each chipolata shrinking as my sphincter tightened with every contracted muscle.

I felt my anus pinch the loaf off and I shook my cheeks to knock away any straggling lumps. I admired the poo, and like a little Joe Pasquale up on his hind legs, the turd was piled vertically and peeked it’s turtle head out of the drink.