18:45pm Bradford, work, upstairs cubicle

I had held out all day, gassing the office with stealthy beer and chorizo farts for the entire afternoon. Pumping the stench into my chair like a silent whoopie cushion, and inviting hapless stooges to take a seat. Now, with most victims gone and a heavy workload in front of me I decided a twenty minute ‘break’ was in order.

The only thing to break was my rectum, split as it was by a gargantuan rock-like bolus. Looking at it, sitting atop a layer of folded paper, (both to stop splashing and to facilitate easy examination) it seemed innocent enough. But that grey/green monstrosity had rendered my virgin anus asunder. The fiend.

It was hard to tell whether the blood on the paper was from my torn hole or some underlying bowel disease, but it isn’t a sight one normally dreams of at night. For me, perhaps tonight.